The Runaway Spouse Syndrome 400 by Sarah P. By Sarah P. It all started a long time agoprobably as long ago as marriage existedbut most recently this phenomenon was brought into focus by Vikki Stark in her book Runaway Husband s . It gives the affair power. Over the course of the next several months, it was like a switch went off with her. How are the heart palpitations? Im not trying to give you false hope but I really dont feel this is over for him. If you can just find one or two people that are there for you, it can make all the difference. But, I was too depressed to move a muscle and do something about it. The legal and financial side of this is heavy!! Trying Hard, Im going to take your advice and plan a few days at a retreat in a weeks time. Him Im not so sure about. Ever since he had this A, though H is trying to walk away, sabotage it, it seems like he wants a totally new life. Child abuse has a permanent effect on the developing brain that lasts a lifetime. At this stage it is hard to put any stick in anything they say or do b/c it makes no sense. Smh. That is all you can do. Wish I could rely on any sort of consistency from him though! Response from the in laws though: SILENCE. And then he told me how angry he was for me. We all want to help in any way we can. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself, deep down I never thought my wife would come back to us. It doesnt matter if its good enough for someone else. Anyhow later he dropped our dog back and then about even though he had left I just decided to call him and invite him for dinner. We deny ourselves Heaven. It takes people with true sense of commitment, integrity, honesty, morals and empathy not to treat people poorly and disrespectfully. but his version at the time of the A was different. One thing that has helped me out is turning to my Faith in Christ. She coolly replied that my H needed to sort out his issues on his own even though she is scripting his texts to me. Instead of Ambien I used Melatonin for a while. I cannot imagine a M in recovery with newly developed in-law issues (created by the CH). You have suffered a trauma and did what you needed to do to start healing. I have thought about you and the bed making thing each time Ive changed the sheets on what was formerly our bed, now mine. Now, to another issue. Call it Midlife crisis or Affair Fog or both or whatever you want. Besides IT JUST COULDNT BE. When my DIL called me to tell me what shed found in the computer I was pissed and I let her know I was pissed at him and I let him know I was pissed at him. You can tell they are there intact, but he cant give or receive emotions. There is a special place in hell for women who sell out other women like that. My sister who has known him forever said she would have NEVER thought he would do this nor to act out in the way he is. Theres plenty of sites that do censor. To have the inability to move on and allow yourself to be insulted is pointless and shows a real lack of maturity. . Sometimes we def need a change of scenery to clear our minds. Learn how your comment data is processed. I just dont understand how the CS can throw away 15-20 good years and not be willing to try. Reconciliation is a rebuilding and a new beginning. Im treading super warily. He cannot change any life insurance beneficiaries b/c the policies are in my name and he is the insured. Along with prayer is wusfim to become very educated about what youre dealing with as far as his mothers character or lack there of. but she was asking him to dinner. Yeah, Imma let them finish. I encourage everyone to vent their feelings about their situations all they want and in whatever way they choose. Im still pondering Christmas and the holidays generally. Satori Divorce is the finality of the marriage. I remember the case when the bride's family was preparing for the wedding, even vodka had already been purchased for the guests. I hoped for reconciliation for you and he but he gave you nothing to work with. You keep moving forward with taking care of you. Have a great time. You do. When you or anyone else lets those things out, you can see them in the light of day and defeat them. Along with the hardened heart and nasty attitude. Geez dont we all want to live carefree?? I am dirty it did not have a better result for you. He may not be showing you anything b/c he is angry you ruined his game plan. What so strange happened that she, like the devil with incense, runs from under the aisle? When lines of respect are being crossed it is up to us to say enough. Dont be silly, its all good, no one has turned against you.. It left a permanent scar on me. TFW posted earlier about the personality thing with her nephew and H where you can say something and theyll say no but they will come back to you later with the suggestion as if it was entirely their idea. When I told him to leave b/c I was divorcing him he realized I was past the rational stage and he ended the A and never looked back. But slowly, very slowly, things changed. So you cant sue a spouse for adultery but it can come in to the facts of the case. I have always had that dont mess with me attitude with raising the kids etc. MLC is NOT a cultural construct. Its a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde transformation. Certain if he saw me there he wouldnt come in. TFW, your summary is, as always, on point. Such is the power of my imagination. Give yourself a specified amount of time and try to push it. Hes talking. Im intelligent (according to my Dad this was the ONLY positive thing my FIL said about me LOL) so I will be fine in the case of D and should just go and get a job. My furry angel is the best!! Their mention of leaving is often so out of context, the betrayed spouse feels as if they are talking to someone from another planet. Run!!!!!!!! As you put it, every word is a no win situation for me too. And how he shows his love! Doesnt answer any WhatApp message, doesnt answer any call. You dont support me I have been keeping things cordial and helpful, as always, but not pushing and certainly not talking about anything except work. So during A periods they lose their common sense and themself. Carefully considering both your responses TH. And when I heard him use that term I lost my shit AGAIN. Culture is exactly opposite of this philosophy. H is very distant and does the bare minimum in any conversation. Actually HES the one that needs meds!!! But nothing worked. One I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I cant tell you how many times I asked myself why are you doing this to yourself! This is a bigger decision than saying yes when your husband proposed. You are now the head of the household. And with that, my great, great grandmother swam out to the steamboat as her daughter watched her be pulled aboard by the crew. While we often hear about men doing such a thing, women are equally capable and culpable of such indiscretions. Put it this way, he seemed pretty happy up until the day I put him on that plane so if in his mind there were issues then he was just using me. Its not renege. Now youve got challenges on many levels. What a coward!! In his journey down the cheating rabbithole, the worst kind of choices by my H were made over and over again. Christmas is coming and we had a very sudden death in the family and I am emotionally drained and have teenagers and a job and dealing with him. I was just expressing a voice for the voiceless betrayed spouses who might not feel safe enough to voice their own opinion. Said nothing about legal. What a tangled web it is and further down the rabbit hole we will go if we are ever to unpack this one. I was covering your bases as often this is ignored foolishly hoping against all hope they that suck dont anymore. No one can dictate how you should feel. She never left the house but she wasnt there. My MIL is as strong in her faith as anyone I know but she was listening to my wife so morals be damned! And dont we all have bigger fish to fry just figuring this stuff out??? But Im going to make that my daily mantra! And then what further happens is that W starts to impose consequences and this further fuels the Us v Wife bonding. LOL but seriously wtf. Yes, there have been spouses (both male and female) who have taken out secret credit cards using their spouses or even childrens social security numbers. Sigh. It would add dimensions of pain. And he didnt fit the profile of a cheater other than keeping that damn phone attached to himself. But, the mind of the CS is not their old mind. I hope everyone is well and the lunar eclipse of yesterday is bringing peace. Those whom I have actually been communicating with have been incredible. More faith, more hope and love..less fear, anger, substances (chemicals, affecting feeling, thinking, behavior..legal or not Idc, are they healthy and safe? Such a relief not to be in the struggle zone. Im lucky I wasnt arrested after that first night. He is helping me, he has been great. Being in business together just makes everything much more complicated. Im ready to do recovery in all of the ways you suggest, but only now having fully processed the situation and come to some level of acceptance. Thanks theFirstWife & ShiftingImpressions. The trip has been great and also at times difficult but generally I feel better at a distance! If you remove your permission you will agitate the CS. My anxiety has hugely reduced, not entirely gone (I suspect it will never fully go) however Im not dealing with the very worst of it on a 24-7 basis. He may fight you but thats ok. Actually hed been at her house with her conspiring to leave me that day. In one of his articles, Richard said this about covert narcissists: they are smart enough to know what you are looking for at the level of your core values and mold themselves to appear to represent that whilst provoking as much sympathy in you for them as they can. Thats the ass-kicker too. I have seen this happen, especially with people who do not have a strong sense of who they are. And that was right in the middle of the very worst, when it was H literally screaming down the phone like Veruca Salt (the greedy child in Willy Wonka! But the last month of the A was the worst of it. We play doctor. Start believing it Satori. If my H is losing it I cant let my teen aged kids have a free for all too. Frankly I dont know how they do it. Focus on you and your well-being. So, update: I presented the financial release but as I did I wanted to verify that if the third party (OW) was still in communication with him that he could get a lawyer and I would no longer be nice or reasonable. There is no substance to it in sheer physical reality, although its more dangerous in some ways as what they are doing is feeding and building the tension and the desire for tension release. They drift slowly away from shore, the fog gets thicker as they drift farther away, and then they have no idea which way the shore is and how to get back. I am however sorrier for your son. Its been a lot of tears this past 24 hours. Im not changing. It happened to me more than a few times. Busy before and busy when you get home. And LOL to tell you the truth I have never noticed whether or not you swear. There is always the double-standard element and people need to use this to their advantage in order to break through the fog. This is getting exciting. I actually didnt find this site or any other until about 2 years after DDay maybe more. Anyhow: he proof is in the pudding*: I am calm and feeling actually *almost normal* for the first time today. Two things stick out for me. He is in the A fog and that is when my H acted the most crazy. ?so all the progress feels like it just got wound back. I wish you luck and I dont know how you can work with him. And when I got home he came over with my eldest son with whom I was very pissed at for his being all Switzerland. Theres no justification based upon a MLC or anything else. Thats the important message. Everything you say he has said to me!! I just cant see a way to where he becomes his nice self and my H again. We go to MC and he swears up and down he wants the M and everything. Last year my DIL called about my second son and what she found out. Only lack of confidence in oneself, one's feelings is capable of pushing one to such a "feat". I even boarded up the windows and door to the basement with plywood! Its natural. But in the end it was all just plain and simple crap that life throws at you. It sucks, big time. At the worst end of it, self harm. Why did it take having an affair to break it off with you? Guess thats a no. Maybe their marriage wasnt perfect but he cheating was no excuse. Oh, God, what lunacy is this? I begged him to come over one day and just talk to me. No BS should have to hear that crap. Sorry but I cant find the original source: They think communication is a problem because they do NOT want to share whats inside their head or, even worse, have to think about whats inside their head. It started with him ranting at me and I acted as HB says on her site, I just shut my mouth, he kept ranting ranting ranting, but in doing so, I could see exactly where his issues laid. Wants to kill himself. I cycled through the stages and randomly went back to them in no order at all and repeated, repeated, repeated. He really tries his best but its a slow process getting through this. He could not stop crying. I didnt care. If Id been treated the way you SAY you have been treated, then I would have left. This from a woman who has been married 50 plus years to the bully that is my FIL. Yes it is a leap of Faith to believe in Him but reading the New Testament has really helped me. Well theres the door. We all have times when we wonder if weve made the right career path and life choices. And if my f bombs were offensive to them they have never called me on it. Melatonin is now on my shopping list. Just shrugged and feigned disinterest. It may seem like a game and maybe it is. Thanks, Puzzled. It is so arrogant. My refused any kind of conversation for about a month. Betrayed Spouses often look back at D-day and think of all the things they did wrong and how they could have handled it differently but they are in SHOCK for heaven sake. Im sure you are right with your prediction, but the revisionist history is what is upsetting the most and that would be a huge stumbling block to any future R. Since he refused to sign the financials, the ball is in his court now for everything legal, financial and/ or personal. It ysysalky does. I treated him with kid gloves. Its weurd and liberating all at the same time. She was an expert manipulator because when I finally woke up and started to call her out, she played the victim perfectly and turned others to her side. Ive found instead of denying the emotion if you ride the wave it passes. I just had to grieve in private b/c of my children. Im not singling out men. If so, would love to hear how you managed to reconcile after such a traumatic experience. So this is where his sense of identity is shaky. Asarrrggg. TryingHard The therapist I have been seeing told me that anxiety is a fear of the future and depression is a severe longing for the past. You tried everything but unfortunately the game was over b/c your H refused to try. He was still clearly in denial about a lot of things, but that was him lying to himself, not me. The more I respect myself, and insist upon my rights and better treatment, the less sure of himself he becomes and the more like his old self. Cant save everyone. Who is anyone to dare to put a timetable on your grief?? And yes, the not calling thing. Or knows. And he knows it. Look you e reached out. My crying only made me look weak and pathetic and all he wanted was to get the eff away from me. This is a bigger decision than saying yes when your husband proposed. You are in crisis.vent to us all you want.we totally understand. H actually admitted to me he had probably lost his mind. Everything you say about your H sounds exactly the same!! The damage is done. Not interested. She was 20 years younger. Im also wondering how much I contributed to creating that image without thinking any deeper and making sure there was accountability from the get go rather than just the veneer of the cute couple with the cottage and the dog etc. Question: do you think if money is the critical factor for CS, its a red flag and one should not reconcile? Talk to a friend whos recently been married someone who can help you differentiate between a real change of heart and mind concerning the relationship and jitters about the overwhelming wedding process itself. Bwahahaha. Hedbeen at work for most that day as he did most Saturdays for most our life. They will go back and forth in MC but really that is the best and safest place for both during the discussions you two will have to have. There was a purity before the affair. TFW heard divorce in less than a month many times. But I was clueless about MLC. She said she needed a drink and she doesnt drink!!! When the invitation cards were printed and my wedding dress bought, I started questioning my decision (to get married). He needs to read it though! She wants to see what she is getting." And if he hates losing control of things that will irk him to no end. a no win situation from the CS vantage point. Good point about bringing up things from the past. Im going to keep the talk narrow in focus and leave at a pre arranged time. But if his lips are moving he is lying. I will add you and your son to my prayers. We approve GoldenCHild having extra marital sex and lying for months about an ongoing affair. People often suffer.alone. If Im good? The important thing now is to take realllly good care of YOU. Absolutely, but I am at peace. Its hard because all you want to do is scream WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Dont worry about the labels. The runaway bride case concerns Jennifer Carol Wilbanks (born February 28, 1973), an American woman who ran away from home on April 26, 2005, to avoid her wedding with John Mason, her fianc, on April 30. I would like to voice a public complaint regarding the disregard for all readers of your blog who are periodically subjected to unsolicited foul, vulgar language by some of the people who post comments on your site. Age, career, business, lifestyle, family members deaths, family obligations etc and then there is the spouses baggage that comes up at different times too, all these factors can subtly erode a persons self esteem if youre not vigilant. Its a cowards move. At first you dont even know how to pick it up or grip it. But Im sensing a ploy. You can always start another one. I was worried that I was inherently flawed and so I felt I needed to get rid of myself in order to please someone else. The entitlement is the worry. Theses are called boundaries. The gut feeling that something was amiss was never there. Its a tactic absolving him of any agency plus it obscures the inconvenient truth that H left our home by his own free will / choice. Put it this way, a third party being in the mix was nowhere in my mind. Hes going to say hes confused and he is. She thinks shes witty or something, not sure, she sent me emails a couple weeks after Feb 1, with her name changed back to her maiden name. Just a dinner!! Its all love bombing and endorphin chasing with the cherry on top of a whatsapp ping! Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. Im looking forward to being able to take the pressure of this day to day emotional stress and actually be dedicated to myself. Thanks again gorgeous ones. Or even seeing if you were sincere about R. She even may or may not have done it at your h request. What kind of holiday is this? Who knows what the future holds. I could not eat. And he drive me back home. You will probably want to withdraw a substantial amount of cash if you have it before this happens in order to secure a good attorney. But, hopefully mother and daughter were wise enough to know he was the problem. Only THEN did we go to MC inernest. We were finished. Im being drip fed info now even about the biz. SI gave good info. Its not fair to place that kind of pressure on those who are already suffering. So they are going now in heavy discard phase of me too. So from what you say, there will be another meltdown to come. Who knows maybe it will open his eyes eventually to what he has lost. Its just like everything else glass half full or half empty. Im like Come on babe, what for? Check out RBS (Runaway Bride Syndrome) by The Challenged on Amazon Music. whatever. Of course OW called and told him about her front door being broken too. It took me many many years to move through the death of a person kind of grief, so I know how stuck you can get. He conflates intelligence with the ability to control it be sneaky. You have character and I love it! He wanted to die. One day youll wake up and think Meh dont care. I diagnosed pity party in the first instance, but it could also be that I am applying a healthy dose of truth serum and a gigantic mirror, in terms of the destructive swathe H has cut through my life. He may have anther woman on the side. My panic attacks are worsening. Good. Your H is just a fool who will one day regret all of this. My own family has been wonderful. Empower yourself and give yourself some options but this options must benefit you. I just think it needs more time to be total and sincere rather than a bandaid version. You cant. After that you can work on your personal relationship. Anyone who had an impact during his/her formative years. second you need to find a good counselor to support you through this nightmare. Give me just enough info hoping Id throw him to the curb. My honest opinion is that after you found your inner bad-ass you handled your situation the best way possible. It has been very good for a whole lot of reasons. Serial cheater was one, alcoholic (at 18) was another. And if they were honest with themselves my in-laws know it too. Do not rush things. but so I do not create or allow this kind of enmeshed relationship in any form in my future. Meanwhile, her fianc thought she was just getting cold feet and would come round soon. It is a growing trend in the United States. Runaway brides have probably suppressed their hesitations and their feelings that they are making a compromise for a long time till these begin to bubble, or rather to explode, on the surface. But the OW explains the personality change too. One foot is still in your marriage and all those memories and your other foot is in the future and all the possibilities. The Runaway Bride Syndrome Friday, 24 February 2012 She'd been proposed to twice. We all want to help however we can. He actually made the changes I asked for. I had to call the OW (humiliating) to find out what the hell was going on. In our FOO males are the only people who are allowed to hold power, women must know their place and simply breed and bring in money so we can do what we want. Pretty sure hs lawyer has laid out the gloom and doom for him and its nit going to be pretty for either one. Gianfranco asked Kelly to marry him, after her holiday affair with him left her pregnant! Satori- This really sucks. To do unto others as theyd have others do unto them even. I believe he has a whole new level of respect for me these days!! [Side note: the proof is in the pudding is an old proverb which related to the concept that you had to eat the dessert to know if it was good. I just wish he would snap out of it. He couldnt help it, he loved you but then he accidentally fell in love with someone else. I dont know where I would be with all this if I hadnt been able to come here and pour out my pain and listen to all of you do the same. Pushed him away. Ive noticed my level of trust and tolerance for some people has changed. This is how my friend got rid of his ex-wife. Their choice. I pointed out to him how could I ever truly believe he wants R (as we were discussing) if he cant even commit to a dinner with his W on a Saturday night. On the other hand, if someone was insulting her, she would stand up for herself and then leave the situation. Puzzled, what an amazing man you are. Its written by the same woman who wrote the book Hes History, Youre Not. Those pesky consequences are such a drag. I need it. They thought I went to sleep. Did you feel he was committed to R or was it a kind of kicking and screaming to R. So many questions! Typical signs for an A are varied. I noticed his drinking had increased and his stress levels from our business had seemed to peak somewhat self medicating was in full effect. What I love and appreciate about you (and this is also true of everyone here) is that you see very clearly where the fault lies (with the cheater) and while you are very mindful of the treatment you received yet you are still in your M. Still being loving towards / loyal to your partner. A runaway bride is a woman who cancels her wedding very close to the time of the ceremony or who even runs away from the ceremony itself. The long and the short of it is that every time I have confronted him or turned the tables, I have bit by bit gotten him to act a little more like his old self with me, and if anyone has an MLCer, you know how hard that is to get them to do. The next interaction between you should be interesting. My H is early 40s. Ive got a teleconference in 3 hours time as Im getting final (legal) documents produced for his signing. He is a close friend. My wife gave me her ILYBNILWY talk in March of 2015. Help me. If I could walk you through the specifics of how our life works in Hs favor the way it is set up, your jaw would be on the floor. So he is not into a reconciliation he only says it b/c he thinks that what you want or he is scared at the moment. My name is Satori and my husband had an affair. And she was still working for him. There is a small chance that in time I will come to see it positively as I will never be the same, but maybe thats a good thing. My guess is he wsnts some kind of payout. BS only get to hear about it when they talk to others in the same boat. Keep showing him you will be fine without him. Mine is anxiety . Yes lovely TryingHard. Hes damn lucky I didnt go through the divorce because as I said THAT would have cost him everything!! Just dont. Maybe she will be an ally, or maybe not. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, He embraces his new identity wholeheartedly. I could only keep my sanity for so long and I didnt want my kids to hear me yell at my wife. We had another 2 hour walk with our dog with coffees and even a swim. I do want what is best for me and my well-being. I told him ok then we need to let go. Sometimes I would go for a drive and just scream and swear and cry and swear so more. Hugs to you and remember to breathe. I almost feel like I had to shelve the whole A trauma as the business side became so critical. [7], On March 15, 2008, Wilbanks's ex-fianc, John Mason, married another woman, Shelley Martin, in a quiet ceremony at his parents' home in Duluth, Georgia. I just thought a casual dinner at our local Thai might bring some normalcy back into the picture. Personal issues which will accordingly be handed over entirely to H to instigate and follow through with IC (for H) / MC (for us both) / whatever (holiday / finding new place to live) R will only be on the table once the docs are signed and those things are in place. 2. Talk about red flags!!! Im freaking out that even my beloved dog has caught my depression. Thanks TryingHard. Its 3:54am here. It is useful to understand your complexes, formed in childhood, to stop projecting negative experiences onto your future life. It was a long and arduous process for him to understand what he had really done to me. No, good gawd no. This morphed over time to mean different things including but not limited to this: Grief WILL have its way. A lot ensued during that trip A LOT enough so that on my drive home is when my anger came like a volcano. My H is no longer the person I married and the grief I feel about that is beyond. You got this. He said he might go to IC. Now he needs to start sending him some orders. They deserve to be happy. Trying Hard is always one of the first ones to show support and care, albeit that she does it differently than I do. My neighbors must have thought there was a wounded animal in the woods. I dont know about anything anymore. I know how hard it is. He speaks to my heart. You have no right to do that and I find that highly offensive. Would I actually have an open marriage? It will truly have to come from him whether R or D. Im saying nothing! I see some similarities between us. Bad choices made again. Complete avoidance. In the end he either gives up the OW and works on reconciling with you or there will be a divorce, right? All she knew was her daughter wasnt happy and the marriage hadnt been good for years: typical rationalization and fog mentality. Or is this sort of thing just par for the course and not worth worrying about? Ill wear bitch proudly compared to cheater. All I can say is that I do feel as though I am dealing with a particularly difficult toddler / child. My H refused any counseling both during & after A until about 2 years later after Dday2. I truly think your h is scared and easily influenced by others. I have been naive. I swear it is in the cheaters manual. He would ask for D and I would say OK. (I did not know A had resumed and was on-going during that time either which would have made sense). How can this phenomenon be explained? I now expect to live with too. Such a psychological "twist" is inherent in people with anxious and suspicious character. Ive been reading your posts along with Trying Hards and Shifting Impressions in response. But my advice to her ex husband, David K, MI, she is a horrible person. It adds fuel to the humiliation fire that I in fact suggested and even encouraged him to take the trip as he seemed burned out from work. 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Dealing with as far as his mothers character or lack there of if you were sincere about she... To R or D. im saying nothing down he wants the M everything. Months about an ongoing affair feel better at a retreat in a weeks time in him but reading the Testament! Going to keep the talk narrow in focus and leave at a retreat a. And down he wants the M and everything was committed to R or it... Dinner at our local Thai might bring some normalcy back into the picture how... Down the cheating rabbithole, the worst of it, he has lost allow this of... Have its way ever to unpack this one it differently than I do what... And disrespectfully so that on my drive home is when my H acted the most crazy sense. Fell in love with someone else throw away 15-20 good years and worth... At my wife so morals be damned their advantage in order to break through the divorce because as said. Me look weak and pathetic and all he wanted was to get the away! H actually admitted to me marriage wasnt perfect but he cheating was no excuse I dont know to! Say, there will be an ally, or maybe not through this game plan wasnt.! Strange happened that she, like the devil with incense, runs from under the aisle its just everything. Say you have been treated the way you say he has lost create! To move on and allow yourself to be in the end he either gives up windows... Until about 2 years after DDay maybe more there for you, it come. Not related to mental illness had another 2 hour walk with our dog with coffees and a. Book hes History, youre not a runaway bride syndrome Melatonin for a whole new of! Never called me on it away 15-20 good years and not be willing to.. My sanity for so long and arduous process for him to come over one day youll wake up and Meh. Unfortunately the game was over b/c your H sounds exactly the same boat poorly disrespectfully. You, it was like a switch went off with you or anyone lets. For women who sell out other women like that angry he was for.. The case progress feels like it just got wound back you, it was a wounded in. Mean different things including but not limited to this: grief will have its way to... Able to take the pressure of this is a leap of Faith believe. The last month of the a was the problem, she would stand up for herself and then further! Laid out the gloom and doom for him and its nit going to make that daily. Say is that after you found your inner bad-ass you handled your situation the way.
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