He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. It wasnt the red wedding. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. 3. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. something random Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. . The best El Paso TX information website. Why do I hate my husband? Put her in an elderly home already! Dear Wendy something random But who among us isn't? Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. May 9, 2022 by by June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). TaraMonster Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. Who the fuck cares? That would help a lot with the hygiene. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. Its really not that hard. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. . They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. ele4phant Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. what were you doing on the counter?) Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. However, don't dwell much on it. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. Had she never visited her? Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. How did you get them?? It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. I forgot about the honey thing. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . He blames you for the problems in your relationship. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. My story : . Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. Stop wanting and do it. something random Hiring a maid or part time help. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. . And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? Of course this is family (a parent! My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. And even my husband loves having her nearby. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Free housing! My MIL and I are not close. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. He doesn't work on the relationship. Well, you need to stop that. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. Hes feeding her a line. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? You probably hate him because he is flawed. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. That could have been her husband too, though. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. He never has time for you (even when he's home). It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Why was that? Ok. No problem. He's not perfect but no one is. And it is stressful and daunting. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? However, its just for a short while. The honey thing? If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. For whatever that is worth. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Raccoon eyes Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. It does not have to be living with her. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. She definitely needs to be called on that. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. I hope what goes around comes around. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). What changed all of a sudden? If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. What am I presuming about you exactly? As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. So let me see if I understand this. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Possibly. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Its not easy, but its necessary. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Hate my husband. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. 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